Invictus -- A House Built on Sand

The most difficult time of my life thus far is probably not a secret. Most people who are close to me know about it though only very few are familiar with all the details. I didn't necessarily broadcast it and I didn't keep it a secret either. It's just that, people were not asking. 

At that time, my plan was to write a blog about it. Even when I was still in the hospital, in my mind I was already planning how I would write it and when I would write it. When I finally reached the chosen time of writing what I was planning, I really couldn't do anything other than stare at my laptop with an open Word Document which remained blank for several hours. I tried to write many times because I knew that I didn't go through what I went through just to keep things to myself. There is always a greater reason for every circumstance, I thought. But despite trying so many times, I really couldn't get myself to write. Hours became days, days became weeks, weeks became months, and months became years until I finally forgot about what I vowed to do.

More than three years after, here I am trying to write again.. trying to duplicate what was in my mind three years ago which is really difficult to do. I have resolved however, that instead of recalling and telling the story to its littlest details, I am going to remember instead the greatest lesson I have learned looking back to the time when I was in the eye of the storm. 

I always describe that point of my life as an intensity 9 earthquake with several aftershocks and a series of tsunami waves. The world as I knew it was shaken so hard, that the house I was trying to build collapsed in its entirety along with its weak foundations upon which I built my house on. After several aftershocks, I found myself alone, dejected and depressed that all I could think about was leaving this life so I could escape from everything. After the aftershocks, I thought the worst was over. But I was dead wrong. Before I could get up and stand up on my feet, a series of tsunami waves came over me, tossed me, turned me upside down and inside out. There was no way out... no hope. 

When I finally recognized my own inadequacies, I finally realized that I still have one hope after all. In fact, He should have been my ONLY hope -- GOD.

I was "never really ignorant" about God. By saying "never really ignorant", what I actually mean is that even when I was a child, many people were already teaching me about God. I was always dragged by my father to church, making me attend Sunday Schools. During Saturdays, I was voluntarily joining the bible classes for kids that were being done by baptists who visit our community. I was so interested in the Bible, that I read it everyday though 99% of the time I didn't really understand what I was reading. Among the kids in my community, I was probably the one who had the most knowledge that many times I found myself teaching other kids as well. However, my understanding was purely intellectual and I didn't know God in a more personal level. 

I finally "accepted" Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at the age of 13 (as far as I can remember). But my relationship with the Lord was unstable at best. I never really had a prayer life. I never read the Bible. During my teenage years, I found myself becoming rebellious as each day passed until I found myself saying "I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul."

At the age of 16, I finally understood what it really meant to be redeemed by our Lord Jesus Christ. It was then that my relationship with Him intensified. But my being "in cloud nine" so to speak didn't really last long. Throughout my college years, I struggled with my relationship with the Lord even though I was surrounded with so many people who were also Christians both in church and in school. It was a roller coaster ride. And it went on for many years until I reached the great earthquake. 

The earthquake, aftershocks, and tsunami waves caused me to realize that I never really could be the master of my fate. No matter how much I strive and work hard, I never would be able to reach God. By my own efforts, everything is vanity. As Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain..." 

***Edited on Oct. 11, 2018