Discoveries

Imagine this kind of a scenario. There is a group of people that you completely trust with your life. You grew up with them, fellowship with them all of your life, and treated them as the best of your best friends. One of them, is extra special. You have a romantic connection with him and you trusted him completely without hesitation. And then you'll find out that this special person that you loved so dearly betrayed you. Not just once but many times. And his friends, the same group of people that you trusted, tolerated the actions of that special person and even joined him with his activities. All of them appeared to be harmless in front of you but they are totally different people when you turn your back.

Huh, it's such a heavy feeling. Everything sank into me last Friday and I couldn't understand why I was able to fit the puzzle pieces together just last Friday. The news was actually not new to me but still I was surprised with everything that I found out. I felt that after five and a half years of being with that special person, I never really knew him after all. And that, after six years (or maybe more) of treating that group of people as my best friends, they never really thought of me as a friend.

The feeling of betrayal, it's the worst feeling in the world. And I felt really bad last Friday. I felt that I was fooled and I hated myself for being so naive about things. Huh, I couldn't even express the anger and the resentment that I feel inside. Until now, I'm still isn't over the things that I've discovered and sometimes, it makes me want to puke. I don't hate them, but I don’t want to see them anymore.

Before we broke up, I thought we could still save the friendship. But after everything, I don't even know if I can still stand seeing him face to face. Not only that, right now, I have lost all those people I treated as friends, the people that I thought I could depend on. Or maybe, they were never my friends from the very beginning?!

Last Friday was one of the craziest nights ever. I need not elaborate it here but I think you guys know what I mean. Words are not enough to describe how I felt. I wanted to cry but tears just won't fall from my eyes. I wanted to confront him. I wanted to show him how I felt about what he did to me. I wanted to slap him on the face, embarass him, and hurt him, just like what he did to me. I wanted to tell him how much I hate him, but I won't because I don't want to continue this seemingly endless struggle. It is time to put an end to everything.

Until now, I could not understand how a person could just throw away five and a half years of companionship that easily. I could not understand how a person could fool someone he calls "special" for five and a half years. I could not understand how people you call "friends" betray you like this. And I could not understand how all these people who have hurt you can still look you in the eye and tell you that they care for you. They are all big liars!

I am hurting but nobody seems to care. I am bleeding but nobody was able to notice that I am already gasping for breath. I am tired and I want to rest. So I'll rest my case to the One who knows everything. And through Him, I know everything will be okay.