A Letter to Elisha Joelle Samarah

My Dearest Elisha,

I promised myself that I would write about this day since the very first time I saw your cute tiny face at the Intensive Care Unit in the hospital where I delivered you. I told myself that I would chronicle the events so you would understand how great God is in your life and how you have come to be a miracle in your father and I's lives.

However, I cannot tell you everything now for the story of how you came to be is too long for you to understand at the moment and too difficult for me to explain in writing. But, I'm going to try nonetheless, soon, little by little, and hopefully, the chronicles would be complete when you are old enough to comprehend. For now, let me just remember the sweetest yet the most difficult day of my life. 

Your father and I did not expect you to come at that point in our lives. I, especially, wanted to achieve a lot of things and did not even think about settling down anytime soon. When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was honestly terrified. I felt like my whole world was shaken. Certain things suddenly became priorities and my dreams were set aside. But most of all, I knew I wasn't ready for the responsibilities that goes with motherhood. 

I was in denial at first. I couldn't accept the fact that I got pregnant in the most improbable circumstances. In my mind I was thinking, how, when, where did I conceive you. And my mind just can't give me answers. Most of the people didn't believe us but your father and I know that you being formed inside my womb was a very, very big miracle. 

You were already living inside me for around six months when we discovered you. Sounds unbelievable to most but that is the truth. When the doctor told me that you were a healthy 27 week-old fetus in my tummy, I almost fainted in disbelief. I couldn't imagine how you managed to stay alive inside my body, with me always skipping meals, always sleeping late, not drinking any vitamins or milk at all, and having ridden all those extreme water park rides, falling off from the taxi, and carrying heavy objects. 

I left the doctor thinking about the so many different times I could have been in trouble (with all the laws in this country) because of my conception of you. I thought about the so many different times that I could have miscarried you. And yet, you were healthy. I saw your hands, your feet, and your heartbeat. I saw your face, which you covered so well with your hands. I saw your nose, which at first I thought you got from your father, and your lips, which were very similar to mine. 

At that point I was convinced that you were not just an ordinary baby. You were protected by God. And that's how I came to name you Samarah - a Hebrew name which means "protected by God." Little did I know that the name, which your Ate Shekinah chose for you, would be so much more meaningful to me on the day you were born.

Your Ate Shekinah chose the name Elisha. I took it as a confirmation as I have already thought about that name before. However, I didn't know what it meant until Shekinah gave its meaning to me. "God is my salvation" - that is what Elisha means, and that is what God is to me... especially on June 22, 2011.

Two weeks before I delivered you, I was diagnosed as having a varicosis in my uterus. The doctor said that my blood vessels were enlarged and that it would be dangerous for me if those blood vessels would burst during delivery. If in case it would happen, I would need blood transfusion. At that time, the hospital where I was regularly having my check-ups did not have access to the blood bank. As a result, the doctor refused to let me deliver in that hospital since they wouldn't be able to supply my need for blood, if that scenario would play out. She referred me to a government hospital which has access to the blood bank.

So many times, your father and I tried to convince that government hospital to let me deliver you there. But they refused us every time because of some rules they were following. We've asked help from many people, went to many hospitals and many doctors, but no one accepted me. I had no doctor, I had no hospital, and I was 37 weeks pregnant. 

Knowing that you could come out anytime at that point, we finally went to the two hospitals which we had been trying to avoid because they were so expensive. The first hospital accepted me and that was a sigh of relief, but I still tried to speak with the doctor in the other hospital because it was cheaper compared to the first one. The second hospital also accepted me but I had to be scheduled for an operation a day after because the doctor was traveling. We had to make a quick decision and thank God that He guided us and He laid out and lined up everything for us at that point. 

June 21, 2011, the doctor scheduled the operation to occur on the next day. We were advised to be admitted in the hospital at 12:00 AM on the 22nd. I was restless, I was scared. I didn't know why but somehow I sensed that something terribly wrong would happen. Your father and I packed the things that we would need in the hospital. My emotions were mixed. I wanted you to come out in this world but I didn't want to go in that operating room. Just when we were about to leave, I asked your father to pray for me. Your Mommy Grace was also in the room with us. So I asked her to pray for me. And she did. When I opened my eyes, my heart sank. I saw your father crying. And to me that was a terrible, terrible feeling. I felt fear that I have never felt before. At the back of my mind, I was telling myself that it might be the last day I would see your father's face. 

The trip to the hospital was a long, long one for me. It was the destination that I didn't want to arrive to. But I knew I couldn't stop. Despite my fears, despite my need to cling on to my family, I knew no one else could help me at that point but God. No friends and no family could help me, even if they wanted to. 

The clock struck 12 midnight and the long day of 22nd June started. As the hours passed, the nurses managed to put a lot of wires on me. I wasn't able to get enough sleep. At 8 in the morning, my most dreadful moment came. The nurses started to transfer me to the operating room. My heart was beating fast and I was desperately wanting to hold your father's hand. But he couldn't help me. He couldn't hold me, he had to let go of me. Before the doors closed, the last image I saw was your father pointing his finger to the sky, telling me to put all my trust in God. I nodded, I knew he was right. 

The anesthesiologist injected the anesthesia and the operation started. I was groggy and that part of the operation was blurry for me. But I remember some really, really specific things, which I can recall so vividly. 

After I felt the doctor slicing the lower part of my tummy, the next thing I knew, I was hearing the cry of a baby. I didn't really know it was you at that time as I was muzzy but I felt someone putting you at the right side of my head, as if that someone was showing you to me. I closed eyes again. 

Suddenly, I sensed an urgency in the doctor's voice. She said that my uterus was not contracting. And then she said that I was bleeding... bleeding profusely.. and that she doesn't know where all the blood was coming from. She ordered the nurse to call another doctor. Meanwhile, I recognized the voice of the anesthesiologist calling somewhere, which to me sounds like the blood bank. He was demanding for blood. A nurse came and told my doctor that the physician she was summoning will come after half an hour. And I heard her scream, "No, the hospital needs him. He has to come NOW!". The anesthesiologist called the blood bank again. It seemed to me that the blood bank refused to give us blood. His voice was quite angry. He was demanding to speak to the one in-charge. Then after some time he said, "we need 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, all the blood you have."

While hearing those things, I didn't understand, and I still don't understand, why I felt no panic at that point. My eyes were closed and I had peace. In my mind, I was praying, "Lord, please stop the bleeding," but somehow, I knew that I would come out of that room alive. My very short prayer, the prayer that only consisted five short words, gave me an unnatural peace. And I felt God's presence in that room as the anesthesiologist gave me another shot of anesthesia to make me fall asleep. 

I woke up with the anesthesiologist tapping my right shoulder twice. He said, "Noreen, you're safe. The operation is over." I was gasping for air. Somehow, I felt like the oxygen they put on my nose wasn't enough for me. My breathing was fast and short and the nurse attending to me kept on saying, "take a deep breath, please... please... take a deep breath." Slowly, my breathing came close to normal. 

They transferred me to the recovery room. A big digital clock was on the wall in front of me and it was almost two in the afternoon. I wondered why my operation took so long. I knew the operation started at 8:30 in the morning. Though I knew something went wrong, I wasn't sure what it was. I was asleep most of the time. The anesthesiologist came into the room. He was all smiles and asked me how I was. Another doctor came and he was also smiling. Everyone on that room smiled at me and I didn't know if it was because of happiness or relief. 

Finally, my doctor came and checked me. I asked her, "Am I stable now? Am I safe?". All she could say was, "Alhamdullilah". 

Not contented with how she answered me, I asked again, "Am I stable now? Am I safe?" And again she said, "Alhamdullilah", which is an Arabic term for "Thanks be to God."

Then I knew that it was only because of the Lord Jesus Christ why I came out of there alive. God saved me, God is my salvation. Elisha - God is my salvation.

Yes, my dear, you are a miracle. God gave you to me so he can show me how much he loves me. After I realized all that while I was in ICU, I couldn't believe how God could care for someone like me, that he made this elaborate plan to save my life. He lined up all the bits and pieces so I would see how powerful He is. And not only did He perform a miracle, he gave me you so I will always remember, for as long as I live, the miracles that He performed. 

After you were born, there were so many other miracles that God performed in our lives. I would enumerate them to you soon. But first I want you to understand that you, Elisha Joelle Samarah, is God's perfect will for me. And I want you to remember all your life that you were born for a purpose. When you grow up, always remember that God is faithful to us your parents and to you as well. Always serve God with all your heart, mind, and soul. Remember this story always as you grow up and tell others about it. 

You are Elisha, for God saved me on the day you were born. You are Joelle, because you are God's perfect will for me. You are Samarah, because God protected you and me. You are Elisha Joelle Samarah.

Your Mom,
Noreen