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An Unfinished Letter to God

Romans 8:28 -- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. (ESV)

As most people already know, I have resigned from my current job and my last day of work in my current company is drawing nearer and nearer every second. It's kind of bittersweet, but it's mostly sweet. I just can't wait to leave the situation I'm in right now -- can't wait to leave the silent burning of anger and bitterness and just embark on a new journey that would hopefully, God willing, will help restore the joy that has been slowly being sucked out of me these past two years. So, I'm starting to clean up my desk, throw a ton of old and useless papers, and delete many personal and unwanted files. Then, boom! I found a file called 'Dear God.doc'. 

Being a recluse that I am, I am not surprised at all of this file. Hello??? I'm a recluse, a loner, so I love to write my feelings out (so the stereotype goes). Curious of what this file is all about, I opened it and read the two paragraphs that this letter had. Then, I thought, when did I write this letter? I can't seem to have any recollection of it. Right click -- view -- details -- last saved on April 13, 2011 5:59 PM. Then I tried to remember, what were the circumstances during my life at this time? Why did I thought this way? Why was it left unfinished?

April 13, 2011 was just a few weeks after I discovered that I was pregnant with Elisha. It was a time of confusion, a time of regret, a time of shame, a time of questions, a time of uncertainty and everything in between. Given that I wrote this in the office, it was probably left unfinished because it was time to go home and the following day, I might have been too busy arranging my unplanned and unexpected travel to the Philippines. 

Most of the letter was comprised of questions -- mostly questions about God's love. If I only knew then what would happen just a few months later, I would not have asked those questions. Of course, that's because hindsight is always 20:20. The answers to those questions are all clear to me now. 

Here's the unfinished letter I wrote almost six years ago....

Dear God,
I cannot imagine how a thing like this has come to pass. This would never have happened if it weren’t Your will. I have made mistakes and have flirted with disaster. Yet, You gave Your protection even without me asking for it.

It’s too overwhelming that I feel so ashamed. I am ashamed of what I have done and what I have become. I feel unworthy of even a small bit of attention from you. Sometimes I ask myself if You would ever listen to me. Would You listen to a sinner? Would You love someone who has time and time again disobeyed You? I have hurt You more than anyone else. I know You have shed more tears for me more than my friends, my family, and my loved ones. I know You have sacrificed Your blood for me. Yet, I cannot seem to believe that Your stubborn love would still reach me. That’s how shamed I am.

However, when I look back on all those days and weeks and months, all those... 

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