To The Love of My Early Youthful Years

I don't know if I would be able to express myself well or if you would comprehend the things that I want to convey. Much as I want to explain myself thoroughly, I'm not sure if the things that I write would be as good, if not better, as if I say them out aloud in person. But I will try nonetheless even if in the end you wouldn't understand me.

I wrote this letter to make you have a better understanding of me and to finally put an end to the endless circle that we've been running in. I wrote this to pour everything out so I can finally put the pieces of myself together and forget this frightening nightmare that has been haunting me for long.

To be honest, I don't know what to expect. I don't know if you would understand me or if you would reply. I don't know if you would give this letter a small degree of importance or if you wouldn't mind it at all. I don't even know if I want you to read this letter but I'm writing it anyway. But if you are, by some chance, then I guess you reading this is how things are supposed to be.

Let me start with the one big issue that has been the major cause of all these. As a female, I want security more than anything. Most females want the same thing but most males don't understand that and you're one of them. I'm having the perception that you are misunderstanding what I want in life so let me give a little bit more of an explanation.

As a child, I wanted a lot of things. I wanted to study music, to enroll in dancing classes, to have toys that I enjoy, to eat the food that I want to eat, to study in a good school, to be confident and not the shy, insecure girl that I was. But you know the kind of family that I came from. I was deprived of most of the things that I really wanted and I felt that I could have been a better person if only I was brought up in a little better way. That's exactly what I want to happen to my future child.

So, to rebutt your perception -- no, I don't want to be rich. No, I don't want to be lavish. I just want to be comfortable. I just want my future child to have everything that he needs to develop himself into a person that I am not. I want to give him the best life possible.

So why am I pushing you to be this and that? I don't want to change you in every aspect. I just want you to be a better person. I don't want people to compare you to me. I don't want them to look at you like you're a piece of crap. I don't want them to question why we're together because you're this and because I'm that. I know it hurts you. And it hurts me too. It hurts me more seeing that you're hurting because of what others say. I'm pushing you to change not because I'm ashamed of you but because I don't want people to say anything about you. That's the truth!

After five years of trying to talk some sense into you, you have pushed me to the limit by refusing to take heed. You're even angry and you're saying that I'm changing you. After five years, you have shown me that you're not willing to be a better person. I spent the later half of our relationship wondering if you really love me or if you love only one aspect about me. I wonder if you really need me because you love me or if you just need me because you're just so used to having me around and a sudden change would make your life a little dull. And believe me, I wondered about myself that way too.

It took me a very long time to finally have the courage to decide to have a life of my own. I knew it was hard but I took my chances. At times, I felt like I was succeeding but at times I felt like I was not. Everyday I fought the urge to pick up the phone and call you to patch things up. Everyday I caught myself trying to compare the pros and cons and trying to decide which was good and which was not. But I have always tried to discipline myself to do what is right even if it feels like it is not.

Until such time that I decided to leave you with distance and time. Though it was not my only reason for leaving, I felt that it was better for both of us to be apart. I wanted to just let life unfold itself to me and I wanted you to do the same too.

And just as it has always been since a year back, I still am fighting with myself to have you back. Things are a bit more complicated now though. It's no longer easy for us to be together. A lot of things have changed and maybe there is no longer a way for things to be back as it has been.

Getting back with you is so much harder now than ever before. For one, you have changed in a lot of ways. You have grown into someone that I no longer know and I feel that the change in you is not the kind of change that I expected. So, it makes me realize that we are two very different people who are forcing the issue. We tried but we failed. And again we tried but again we failed.

Distance is an unfair test. It is the one major thing that is hindering me from getting back with you. I didn't want to lose you in a way that I couldn't handle. I was very afraid to be hurt by knowing that you already have someone else. In the same way, I didn't want to hurt you by having someone else.

To be really honest, I'm so afraid of hurting you again. I know that I've hurt you enough and adding insults to injuries would certainly make me sick with myself. So I'm trying to do the right thing now. To be as far away from you as possible and to maintain as little communication as possible. It's the best and right thing. I always convinced myself with that.

I am so sorry that things like these are still happening. I'm so sorry that calls are still being made and messages are still being sent. I'm trying very hard to control myself but it is extremely hard. Wounds are still fresh and memories still linger. Tears are still falling and hearts are still beating.

Once someone said that letting go is the most loving thing to do. I have let you go though I have not yet fully accepted how things turned out. The only thing that I can promise you now is that I will never stop trying to forget what lies behind us. It will, to no avail, be a tedious task but it is not impossible to do. I can't promise that letters would no longer be written but I'm hoping that the next one, if there will be one, would be something that would make both of us smile.

It's hard to end things but it's harder to make new beginnings. But hope will always be there.

I love you -- maybe for the last time -- I love you.

Goodbye.

YaNa