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Diaries of a Migrant Worker I

April 10, 2009
9:59 PM
Dubai, United Arab Emirates

There has never been a day since I got here that I have never wished of being home. I guess the aloneness that I have always wanted hasn’t really been working out for me. Homesickness, whether I accept it or not, has crept up on me and the most important question that I have asked myself for at least a million times hasn’t been answered yet. I am still wondering why God has allowed me to be here.

Being here was my choice and I have to accept the consequences of my decision. But unlike most people have accused me of, I am not here for the money. NO, DEFINITELY NOT! I decided to come here to be alone… to run away… to move on… and to forget the memories that have haunted me for so long. I came here to forgive and be forgiven with the hope that when I go back everything would be alright; that I would be able to completely take away all the hatred that I have been hiding all these years; that I would be able to accept things as they are and have compassion for those that I have been feeling indifferent with.

But instead of finding the strength to do all the things that I came here to do, I discovered a ton of weaknesses that did not only confuse me but also overwhelmed me. It’s as if I am a dried river who has lost all its richness and all its beauty only to be remembered through the remnants of the fresh water that once flowed through it. I feel like a lamp which has lost its oil. My fire is about to die out.

It’s sad, really. It’s miserable not knowing what to do and where to go. It’s depressing to live a life without a purpose, without an inspiration. It’s cruel to subject yourself to interrogation and torture when you don’t even know the right questions to ask. But even so, I can’t make myself regret the decision to leap into a life full of promises. The only question left to ask is – “shall I hold on to those promises?”

Fight or Flight. Is there still a reason for me to fight? Do I have enough strength to defeat what has come and what is about to come? Or is it time for me to fly away and escape again? Does running away mean that I am defeated? Is flying away an act of cowardice in a sense that I refuse to face the challenges? Or is it a courageous act of accepting that I have lost the fight? Questions… questions… where will I find the answers?


-Yana-

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Comments

  1. the chocoholic3:00 AM

    wow dai, this is very touching and enlightening. there's so much truth and honesty here. the beauty of writing your feelings and your thoughts out is that it helps you clear your mind about things. I hope you'll find the answers to your questions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. the chocoholic3:01 AM

    this is a very touching and enlightening piece. there's so much truth and honesty here. the beauty of writing is that it helps you clear your thoughts. i hope you'll find the answers to your questions.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous7:55 AM

    ang song ako madedicate nimo norin kay kanang naa bitaw line nga too many questions, but the answers are so few...:)

    bitaw, kaya ra na oi...lain2x man ta ug dagan sa life. lain imo, lain ako pero life gihapon silang duha, hehehe....sori2x...basta, payts ra na



    krishna

    ReplyDelete
  4. Noreen9:28 AM

    Vianney,

    bitaw vian.. bunga man ni sa sapot, frustrations, ug uban pa.. hehehe... yeah.. i hope i'll find the answers soon.. hehehe... and sakto ka vian.. writing it out really helps.. so murag makabasa pa ka ug daghang ingon ani.. hehehe.. amardz!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Noreen9:29 AM

    Krishna,

    baya! anonymous ka jan! hahaha.. bitaw woi.. k ra ni.. fight3x.. go3x.. hehehe...

    ReplyDelete

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