Now I Know

Going to church every Sunday has always been a routine since the day I was born. “Wake up early, wear your best clothes” – these were the things that everybody in the family used to tell me. But attending the service has never really made me fell that I was spiritually growing. Deep inside my heart, I felt the emptiness that brought about by not knowing God. I used to ask God about the purpose of my life. I believed that living in this world was just a punishment. I regretted the day I was born and I cursed my parents for that. I used to ask Him about myself. Why am I like this? Why am I like that? Why do I have this? Why don’t I have that? I had a lot of insecurities, anger, envy, and even hatred. Yes, hatred. I hated the world for everything. I hated my parents for raising me. I hated my sisters, I hated my friends, and I hated myself. I didn’t understand myself. I didn’t have my own identity. I didn’t even know the reason of doing the things that I used to do. All I said was, “I don’t care! As long as I am happy with what I am doing, I’ll never care about you!” I only thought that I was happy but I never was. I knew I craved for more. I craved for something new, something different. I craved for happiness – happiness that was enduring and true. And then I stumbled along the way. I had a very big problem that almost ended my life. No one knew about it except some friends. I was so down. I didn’t know what to do. I kept on crying and crying and crying. I prayed to Him. But I doubted if He would hear me. I doubted if He would listen to me. I doubted if He would comfort me. I doubted if He would help me. I doubted Him. Days passed and I found myself realizing that He has helped me solve my problem. He didn’t let things go worse. He didn’t even let me cry more tears. He made it at a blink-of-an-eye. It was so fast; I couldn’t even remember how it happened. At first, I was thankful to Him. But I went back to my old deeds again weeks later. I forgot Him again. I didn’t pray again. I was stubborn again. Things got worse everyday. Until, I encountered another problem. It was bigger than the first. This time, no one knew about it except me. I couldn’t ask for help because I was afraid to tell them about it. I was so helpless. I knew that He alone could help me so I prayed to Him. I didn’t doubt Him anymore. I knew He would hear me and help me, and He did! He didn’t make me suffer long. Two days later, I received the results and I was so happy about it. I was so amazed with His faithfulness. I knew I didn’t deserve it but He was still there. I thanked Him but I still forgot Him. A few months later, He touched my heart. I didn’t know how it happened but it seemed that I was motivated to give up everything for Him that day. I knew He wants to use me. I knew He wants to work in me and I knew that He wants me back in His arms. This time, I intentionally forgot my stubbornness. I invited Him into my heart and my worldliness slowly went away. Now, miraculously, I no longer care about my magazines, posters and cassette tapes. I’m no longer making scrapbooks for my celebrity idols. My worldly interests are no longer present inside my system. I can now afford to miss a basketball game, if my time is going to the Lord. I no longer enjoy watching TV a lot. These drastic changes in my life are caused by His awesome power. For the first time I can say that I am happy. I am happy because I know He is using me. He is making me feel His love. He continues to shower me His blessings. He is giving me more than I deserve. I now understand the reason of being in this world. I now understand His plan for me. I now know that He loves me so much. I pray that all the people who would read this would be touched by Him that they may be able to know their purpose in this world; that they may be able to understand His plans; that they may be able to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior; and that they may be able to serve Him with all their hearts, minds, and souls. After all that has happened in my life, I have realized three things: God loves me, He has a plan for me, and He wants to use me. Let me close with some lines of my favorite song: I am Your beloved, Your creation And You love me as I am You have called me chosen for Your kingdom Unashamed to call me Your own I am Your beloved I am Your beloved God loves us all so let us give back to Him the unconditional love He has shown us.